Have you ever felt like a rabbit in a hole. You can see the beautiful world around you yet you just cant quite make it out of the hole?
That is how I feel when I look around and see all the things that need to be done. I’m sure I am not the only one that has FM that feels this way. It seems as though there are not enough hours in the day to get it all done. Either some fire needs to be put out or some other priority tries to weasel it’s way into my day. I also have tried to learn to pace myself yet I still start feeling pretty fatigued by about 3:30 – 4:00 PM.
The pile just seems to get bigger and bigger. I then become the Kilroy and not want to come out of the hole any farther than my eyes.
I don’t have a choice though. I have to come out, you have no choice when you have a disabled child. On those days when I’m feeling like a Kilroy I heft myself out of my bed and begin to move around as soon as I can. I flip the TV on because being in a house with only me and a son who cannot speak at all, the thoughts and feelings begin to rattle around in my head. It’s not good for me so the noise helps to keep me focused (with FM we have a tendency to get distracted, “Brain Fog”). I keep telling myself that I have to keep plugging away at the To Do List and it will eventually all get done. Some days can truly be overwhelming. I look around and do not know where to start. That’s where the list comes in. I just try to start at the top and work my way down. This doesn’t mean that sometimes this doesn’t save me from feeling overwhelmed or feeling bad because I can’t get it all done like I used to be able to. When I begin to feel this way I try to tell myself that when I used to get it all done in one day and even more. What I remember about those times was I was so so stressed(stress means more pain for me). Going a thousand miles an hour with no time for anybody or anything but my list and making sure I got it all done. Now I have a bit more room for God to guide me and since I am going a bit slower I can also hear Him as well. Even though there is some stress involved in not getting things done and sometimes I feel bad I know that I can hear His call so much better. I have to remember it is not “my” to do list anymore. It belongs to Him. God is the author of my days. Also, less stress means less pain.
It may take me waking up and get moving a bit. Have my coffee and knock those cobwebs out of my head before I truly remember who is in charge. That there are some things that are more important that others and stress is my enemy. I’m really only capable of doing so much with what I’ve been given. How the cards have been dealt for me. It’s my choice and God’s how I will use them. Its all a matter of listening and continuing to move one foot in front of the other. Also, be grateful for my son JP. Would I come out of the Rabbit Hole if I did not have him in my life? Would I just block it all out and just sink farther below the surface. I hope to never find that one out.
It is always interesting when I start a post and do not know exactly where it will lead.